The Scarlet Blue Archive

Never Knowingly Undersold

2011-06-02T09:24:00.000+01:00

Three years on and I am now officially closing the Scarlet Blue blog. This is my favourite in the series of Advert posts. I still ponder as to why grown women cry when viewing this advert.
Anyhow, God bless Scarlet-Blue and all who sailed with her!!!

There has been much controversy in the British press regarding the new John Lewis ad, which features actress/glamour model/author/Olympic gold medallist/circus performer/after dinner speaker/one time MP for Wigglesworth and Bendover, Fanny Mountjoy, who died earlier this year. Critics have accused John Lewis of focussing on the lesser aspects of Fanny’s endeavours and in the brief summation of her life they have failed to acknowledge Fanny’s greater achievements, specifically her much loved symphony in D minor, composed on the glockenspiel, entitled The Waitress.
Fanny’s family and friends have hit back arguing that this is how Fanny would like to have been remembered. For them Fanny will always be, first and foremost, a wife, mother, mistress and home-maker; as well as a sister; an aunt; a niece; a cousin; a god-daughter; a god-mother; a grandmother; and when occasion demanded, an uncle.
Critics have countered that John Lewis has undermined Fanny’s memory in the public psyche and have been grossly irresponsible to broadcast such a reduced and sentimental account of Fanny’s life.
Fanny’s family and friends have replied claiming that her family life was more significant than her groundbreaking thesis on high wire acrobatics and aerial fire eating, which led to her being nominated for a Nobel prize in chemistry.
Critics have gone on to suggest that family and friends wish to play down some of Fanny’s more dubious activities, such as the night she reportedly spent with naked activists in Cunliffe Square demonstrating over the demolition of Squirts ice cream parlour, an iconic building in Wigglesworth.
Family and friends [namely Claude Wood – third cousin, twice removed] have scoffed at this suggestion saying that her involvement was greatly overplayed and she was merely a bystander, albeit a naked bystander with an ice cream cone and a crumbly flake. Claude claims that it was a very warm evening.
Critics are now meeting to decide their next move whilst friends and family have adjourned to their comfortable living rooms to await further developments and to catch up with Britain’s Got Talent.
And so, dear reader [I’ve always wanted to write that – it makes me sound like I’m a proper blogger], have John Lewis knowingly undersold Fanny Mountjoy? I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Escape To The Country

2011-05-20T00:01:00.030+01:00

Knotting-May-Back-Passage, to be found up-wind of Pratt's Bottom, is a tight knit prosperous community where the eccentricities of the rich and illustrious often go unreported to the wider world, or to the appropriate planning authorities. Indeed, this small rural hamlet has become something of a safe-haven for spendthrift entrepreneurs and reckless millionaires.
For example the activities of newcomer Richard Etherington-Wilson went largely unnoticed for such a length of time that he managed to block pave 17 acres of arable farmland before a concerned dog walker raised the alarm. Mr Etherington-Wilson, originally an Estate Agent/Mortgage Consultant/Property Developer/Pension Schemer/all-round banker had been drawn to the rural idyll after attaining a certificate of commendation in rustic handicrafts during a weekend workshop in Wales. Unfortunately, such was his enthusiasm for living the dream and dry stone walling, that before moving to Dumpling Dipsticks [a Gothic inspired neo-classical thatched Georgian villa] he failed to take his pathological fear of darkness into consideration. Mr Etherington-Wilson was arrested recently, but later baled, after he was found to be responsible for lighting up the skies with 3,000 energy saving light bulbs festooned across ancient woodland within his extensive gardens; his nocturnal illuminations had proved to be something of a hazard for pilots trying to land light aircraft at a nearby private airstrip.
Richard Etherington-Wilson was thought to have been in hiding since this latest incident, but speculation down at The Dog and Duck has been rife with the idea that the sat-nav system on his ride on mower malfunctioned; some local residents swear blind that they've seen him mowing his way through the Knotting-May butterfly sanctuary, some 5 miles in distance from his 25 acre landscaped gardens at Dumpling Dipsticks....

Meanwhile....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR BEASTIE!!!!!!!!!!!

This is for you.

Blogging News

2011-05-14T16:33:00.005+01:00

Before I was rudely interrupted by Blogger going into a tail-spin, I was writing this:

Just a very quick heads up; Rog over at Norfolk 'n Good is cycling 175 miles next week across the Pennines on "The Way of the Roses" and is seeking sponsorship in aid of Ovarian Cancer Action in memory of our much missed Blogger heroine Kaz. To donate, please go HERE

And, poor ol' Macy [not so ol'] has had a heart attack; she is recovering but gifts of grapes and cucumbers will be much appreciated.

I posted this on my emergency Wordpress blog the other day, but thought it was worth putting up here as well. I am feeling sore plummed after all the Wordpress faffing - though the upside of this is that my avatar now appears on all Wordpress blogs - not quite sure how I managed that... anyhow, I am still in the process of relieving Mr Beastie of his knickers... but lo', what is this... it looks like someone has been up his back passage before me....

Click to make big

Naughty Miss Roses has been there before me...

Right, I'm liking this tune so I'm going to listen to it...

My Bird Bath

2011-05-05T14:58:00.000+01:00

Been a bit of a busy week what with one thing or another [THE wedding and the shooting of Bin Laden] and I have been very neglectful of this blog... I still have no remarkable insights to post here... I have been doing a fair bit of calligraphy and I've also been taking my clothes off for MJ for her gorgeous gams competition...

I was aiming for this... [thank you MR XL for the pic...]

...but I sank...

Anyhow, I am now taking a blogging break. The next time I post here I will have these!!!!

Oh yes I will!!!

***mad witch pantomime cackle***

How Do You Do It?

2011-04-20T09:33:00.001+01:00

Apologies, I have been unwell for a week, but feeling better now. Apparently it's Easter this weekend, which means it's the annual Crème Egg Festival at chez Blue. This is a private occasion, but this brief clip should give you a clue as to what will be going on.

Yes, that's right, I have abandoned reading Tarot cards in favour of reading crème. If you would like a fresh crème reading then please put your name on the list.
Thank you. And Happy Easter!!!

P.S I will be busy next week as I have a wedding to attend.

Lucky You

2011-04-12T13:23:00.000+01:00

Due to the sluggish financial market the Halifax staff have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages this year and can only lend to people who don’t need loans*. The financial advisers have all been made redundant and now the entire business is propped up by the canteen staff who have diversified by setting up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats on a farm in Southwold, Suffolk.
Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide the morning entertainment with a breakfast show. They are a tight team; they have a mutual interest in investing extra digits in their hedge funds and have bonded over unit banking. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slot from afar and, in an effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes the arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug. The mug handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas. They have each other and therefore the accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

*Many thanks to Pat and her recent Bob Hope quote.

Your Comment Counts!!

2011-04-08T09:45:00.003+01:00

The other day, whilst perusing my blog stats, I found a brand monitoring company [Visible Technologies] viewing my recent post about Waitrose. In a nutshell companies such as Waitrose, Tesco's et al will employ a company such as Visible Technologies to monitor social networking sites to find out what we really think about them so that they can suss out how to sell more stuff to us.
Right now there is a team of bright young things analysing the comments you made on my previous post and thinking of ways to implement your suggestions. If they take your comments seriously, which I'm sure they will, we can expect to see Speedy Weeny machines installed within shopping centres the length and breadth of Britain; Heston Blumenthal and Delia Smith playing with Zulus and inventing new ways with yogurt and cucumber; a pick your own section in a Sainsbury's sponsored strawberry field; shopping trolleys with no wheels and, aisles dedicated to blind dates with large melons.
So if there is anything else you would like from your shopping experience then feel free to write your demands in my comment box. You are being watched!

2011-04-04T08:30:00.000+01:00

My Aunt has left all her passwords on her memory stick!!!! HA HA HA!!!! And I have changed them all so there's nothing she can do!!!! Everyone in the family thinks she is weird cos she makes weird stuff and makes handmade christmas cards that are rubbish. Even her secret files are rubbish and boring but I will load them anyway.

02/11/2006 THE HISTORY OF BOTTLING
Initially my experiments with bottling were explosive, shards of flying glass would become precariously lodged in the kitchen ceiling. The process was long, arduous & dangerous in the extreme. There were times when I would hold my head in my hands believing the project to be doomed to failure. Then one day: ‘Eureka!’, I discovered an ancient technique that made the process almost foolproof; I have only electrocuted myself three times since.
During this period I was supported by close friends & family who visited me more often than usual, they too were fascinated by the process of bottling. For example close friend Jules ably supplied me with an endless supply of empty bottles; her dedication & contribution to this project cannot be overemphasized, she is a legend in her own lifetime . . . albeit a tad incoherent . . . & wobbly on her pins . . .
Now that I was technically adept at bottling I could at last focus my energies on artistic creativity; I retreated to my purpose built garret at the bottom of the garden & awaited inspiration. Crawling through the back passage of my emotions I re-experienced hideous moments of my life that are probably best forgotten. It was a long painful journey, not without misgivings, but I was determined to suffer for my art, if I had to lie on a bed of nails & walk bare foot over burning coals, then so be it. Finally, when the sun was parallel to Pluto & Uranus was rising, my work was done.
Ten bottled feelings stood before me & I was a shadow of my former self . . . .

03/11/2006 HOW TO MAKE MONEY FROM ART
‘Viridian Venus’ is a small local gallery run by Moonchild Etherington -Smythe, who in her own words is a ‘Visionary Artist’, to quote further, her works are ‘a product of innate personal vision’. In Moonchild’s case, these visions manifest themselves as childlike impressions of angels. Appearing well-groomed at all times, she strikes the perfect balance between ethnic charm & middle England authority.
Moonchild was not overly keen on my bottles, she exclaimed that my soul was barren, that it was imperative that I release my bottled feelings immediately if I was to ever re-connect with my inner child. All I needed to do was sign up for one of her Visionary Workshops, it would only cost £150.00 & she would teach me to express the sound of a vacuum cleaner through the medium of paint.
I declined, I left her gallery leaving her to re-arrange her crystals; I was worried, confused, slightly disturbed whilst at the same time seriously impressed by her visionary commercial sense.

Blog Hijack!!!!_&?*

2011-04-03T23:19:00.001+01:00

I have fpoud my auntys phone!!!! And her memory stick in her handbag!!!__
She is ginger and she is a cow!!!! I will start uploading her secret files 2morrow!!! Ha ha ha!!!!
C'ya!!!! LOL!!!

Stuck on Question 17.... [Census Queries]

2011-03-28T09:46:00.000+01:00

....is this a trick question?

I was thinking of putting my blog address in this box.

Any other ideas are most welcome.

For Kaz

2011-03-27T11:02:00.000+01:00

December 16th 2008

My back door is being fitted tomorrow so I will be indisposed. This entrance area has been causing problems for some time now, [causing a bit of a draught] and now a very nice carpenter friend is finally coming to sort me out. He asked me earlier today whether I would like a handle or a ribbed knob. He recomended ribbed so that if my hands are slippery I'll still be able to get a good grip.
Anyhow he is a friendly cheerful chap who seems to know what he's doing and he enjoys dunking gingernuts. When he has finished in the back passage he has promised to work on my front door; he's going to stop it from sticking and he's going to polish my knockers.
Meanwhile, I am helping out with a project to reintroduce beavers into the English countryside. I heard about it on Jeremy Vine radio show yesterday afternoon and it caught my imagination . . .
Here is a short film clip to inform . . .

KAZ said...

Hey Scarlet - I just heard you are to be awarded a special award for the most double entendres in one post.
Congratulations daaahling..
And thankyou for telling us about the 'pain-relieving properties of the beaver's anal gland secretions'.

I think she liked this one.

And finally, Kaz said: Enjoy life.

Off My Trolley

2011-03-19T20:19:00.003Z

Hello.

Having spent over an hour this morning trying to shop online using the newly upgraded Waitrose site, I thought I'd drop you a line to tell you about the problems I encountered.
Common sense suggested that all I had to do was tick the select boxes on my product list and then click the 'add to trolley' button, but alas when I did this only two of my selected products were added, in this instance, 4.5kg of new potatoes and a cucumber. Heston Blumenthal and Delia Smith may be able to survive on such meagre rations, but I am a mere mortal with limited cooking ability. It would be true to say that I do have a fondness for a fulsome cucumber, but quite frankly I'd prefer a bit of meat with my two veg.
Anyhow, I repeated this exercise numerous times, on Mozilla and Internet Explorer [it sometimes makes a difference], but kept getting a pop-up box telling me to select items.... which is what I thought I had been doing....
To cut a tedious story short, I found that the only way I could fill my trolley with more than 4.5kg of new potatoes and a cucumber was to add each item individually, which took about 2 minutes per product, thus making the suggested weekly diet of potato and cucumber relatively appealing.

I look forward to your speedy reply,

Regards,

Ms S. Blue

Apologies to my bloggy friends; I am feeling a little under the weather, but will be back in full force by Monday.

Kinky Boots

2011-03-13T09:18:00.000Z

My birthday is now all done and dusted and Dave has instructed me to move on... so move on I shall.
Miss Norma is currently paying homage to Honor Blackman, whilst Roses is paying homage to her fab new boots. So what could be more appropriate than this short clip for a Sunday morning....

And remember, 20 million women are wearing kinky boots, right now. Pity then, that they couldn't find any to appear in the video.

It's my Birthday!!!!

2011-03-09T00:03:00.004Z

...and that means I can be self indulgent. Later I will be eating cake, but first, here is my current favourite advert.

...the butter cream and fat in the cake will smooth out my wrinkles. If I had any. Okay, I fib... but if I look at myself all squinty in the mirror, then I look jolly good [I'd look bloody good if I was 64]... even better if I dim the lights...

Meanwhile....

2011-03-06T10:37:00.005Z

...news is coming in from far and wide regarding the errant missing comment : "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice."
First off it found it's way into a comment from Miss Norma on Infomaniac.
It quickly spread around the blogosphere and was next seen loitering in 2005 on Wendy's blog, HERE.
But the most disturbing news is from Mr XL who claims to have seen the comment on the telly, and he sent me this evidence:

Who knows where this will end... I now have a disturbing vision of the missing comment blurting itself out on Question Time, making the headlines in the Financial Times and embarrassing me even further...

LATEST NEWS: Another sighting has just come in from MJ

It appears that the comment has well and truly escaped the internet. It has mutated and is spreading across the globe...

Oh crikey....

Latest Update 7th March - just in from Princess...

Who says: I have found your missing comment lurking in my fabric stash....
The poor little thing was curled up looking rather exhausted from a long journey
What would you like me to do with it now?

And this picture from Mr Auty...

...who says of the comment: It's taken up diplomacy at the highest levels.
Let's just hope that the comment never meets Prince Andrew...

FINAL UPDATE: Last two then, as I think it's time to move on to new posts and comments [missing or otherwise]. Dave has spotted the missing comment making itself at home here...

...and finally, the comment has now been made into a film - as spotted by MJ....

Nick has all the insider gossip on this and has dropped hints that Victoria Wood and Penelope Wilton are starring, whilst Bill Nighy merely features, which is a shame cos I like Bill Nighy...

Going Live!!!

2011-03-03T09:17:00.000Z

Believe it or not I have been busy over the past couple of months. And here is the fruit of my labour: My New Website.
I am a little bit anxious about linking here, but would be grateful for feedback regarding how it loads and shows on your computers. I haven't a clue what it looks like on an Applemac - it might go plop for all I know. Do the pictures take too long to load?

www.scarlet-blue.co.uk

Is anybody getting married soon or having a fab dinner party? Just asking....

Apologies

2011-02-23T14:27:00.003Z

Earlier today I wrote the following comment: "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice."

This comment did not end up in the place where I intended it to be. If you see this comment, don't be alarmed, it is not dangerous, but I would be grateful if you could refer me to its location. Thank you.

Meanwhile, I am postless and stressed about World events. When I watch the news I feel like the World is disintegrating around me. Things don't seem to tie up at the moment. One minute I am being shown images of people being shot at because they are trying to overthrow a dictatorship government, and the next minute a voice over is trying to encourage me to put my feet up and buy a sofa from DFS. I am not comfortable with this.
I have had one experience of a bomb blast - London 1992 - I wasn't there when it went off - had I been sitting in my office then I would have been killed. I would be dead. An enormous shard of glass ended up embedded in my office swival chair; the clear message being that I shouldn't spend my life sitting on my arse.
Anyhow, apologies for any wayward comments that you find in your comment box and apologies for this disjointed post. Here is a tune to distract you from current events.
Boo. Hiss. Sony won't let me embed. HERE is the tune. I have played it before, but it is nicely distracting. For US and Canada, try the Youtube that is embedded HERE. This might work?

Va Va Voom

2011-02-18T11:46:00.000Z

Sigh. I still miss Nicole and Papa. Life was less complicated back then... so anyhow, where was I... Yes, Va Va Voom - Do you have it? Does it spill out of your cutlery drawers? Does it propel you through life like a force of nature? Is it pink? Is it turquoise? Do my wellies have it? Should I go back to writing poetry? Is Renault using sex to sell a heap of metal that is simply supposed to transport you from A to B? Does it work? Would you rather not think about these questions now and just look at the pretty pictures? Would Dave prefer to watch this version...

Is it lunchtime yet? Shall I have toast? Shall I shut up now?

Ancient Vermilion Valentine Greetings

2011-02-14T07:15:00.000Z

Shall I compare thee to a changeable afternoon in June?
Thou art bad tempered, moody, but thou oft make me laugh:
You may have wind sommat rotten and sad elasticated pants,
And that afternoon that doth flashed by a bit quick:
Sometimes you get blinky in the eye and you miss it,
And oft' it gets tiresome and over dramatic;
And every country fair has a beer tent,
By chance a brisk breeze showing nature's bush untrimm'd:
But thy changeable afternoon in June shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that wobbly chin and come hither expression;
Nor shall Death wander off and brag about nicking your bling,
When in eternal lines deeply scratched on a tree:

So long as forests are protected, and there are opticians and designer glasses,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Ding Dong . . .

2011-02-07T13:55:00.000Z

Recently I have been wallowing in blogging nostalgia. Nostalgia can sometimes be overwhelming. But anyhow, whatever... here is one of my elderly posts, originally posted here without the accompanying Youtube, as back then I didn't know how to embed.

I've been quite taken with the new perfume ad from Avon - Avon U by Ungaro. It features Avon Global Ambassador, Reese Witherspoon, looking stunning in a sheath of peach satin. She takes an old fashioned elevator (like the one in Fatal Attraction - where Glenn Close has her way with Micheal Douglas) up to the roof-top of a very tall building. It's dark and a little too breezy because her hair is getting all messed up (she should have gone to L'Oreal). Here she is joined by a tall dark attractive man in a dinner jacket, looking nonchalantly shaken but not too stirred. Perhaps he has lost a mint in the neighbouring Casino because his bow tie is hanging loosely around his collar; or perhaps he has a box of Milk Tray stuffed down his trousers, he is that type of guy. As the couple look longingly at each other a voice over cuts across the scene and says: 'What happens next is up to U to decide' . . . . Well obviously the Cactus Kid turns up with his underage pregnant girlfriend and he shares out bottles of 'Oasis' before they all fly off in a passing helicopter. Several years later they crash land into the penultimate episode of 'Lost' where they swap partners at least four times, have six children, one porcupine and an African Violet between them. On day 3,046 they are all evicted but still manage to live happily ever after, thanks to the exclusive magazine deals with 'Hello', 'OK', 'Gardener's World' and 'The People's Friend'. Then a nice Avon lady rings my doorbell, I let her in and she sells me a pink heart shaped 'Soap-on-a-Rope' . . .

I need to get out more.

Of course, this post made more sense in 2008 when I'd become fixated by the loathsome 'Oasis' adverts. Ever since writing this post I have searched in vain for the VW Casino man advert. Today I found it.

More Fun and Entertainment - Infomaniac Edition

2011-02-05T23:10:00.010Z

This is the third in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only etc, etc... It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...

As promised, this reading is for Mistress MJ and it promises to be something a bit special.
Before choosing her cards, I must first engage with her avatar... apologies MJ, this may make you sneeze...

Right, deep breath, here we go...

PAST: I will gloss over the various baking incidents, generally you are a gentle individual who is kind to old ladies and you have a fascination with squirrels. One unfortunate incident with an over filled icing bag should not be held against you; okay, so it may have taken your Aunt 3 hours to explain the situation to the arresting officer, and five hours for the surgeon to remove the nozzle from a sensitive region, but never mind, these things happen.

And let's face it, you redeemed yourself when you started knitting sweaters for penguins.
Instead I will focus on the strong images that the cards are giving me.
I see a man. Actually I see lots of men, most of them are senior and they are nekkid. But there is one man who stands out from the rest.

??????

I see a dark haired man in a position of authority. He has been a highly influential figure in your life. He is connected to you being stunningly successful in your career... I see glamour... I see the Canadian curling team.... I see chocolate hob-nobs... I see nekkid old men again.... Anyhow... at some point in your past you learnt a harsh lesson, which was not to put ambition before your own emotional needs.

PRESENT: A huge dollop of luck is making itself manifest. Quite frankly, right now you can do no wrong and you are benefiting from being generous to others. You are now in a very harmonious place in your life.

But this harmony has been found through struggle and perhaps there has been a loss?

Future: Steady yourself for conflict...

...in love perhaps. Your inner instincts must be handled firmly, but they must not be ignored or repressed. Out of this conflict you will emerge stronger. But this could also mean that you are in pursuit of a love object... someone has something that you believe belongs to somebody else. I can see you battling through a jungle of tropical delights; being thrown into confusion by a funhouse mirror and almost being thwarted by a gathered thong [boil washed and very grey]. I see you on a roadtrip....

...teaming up with a very attractive blonde lady and together you will reclaim what rightfully belongs to me her....

I am exhausted and the visions are fading....

Mayhem in the Comment Box

2011-01-31T09:53:00.003Z

Apparently my Blogger security staff have been a little over zealous of late and have been blocking people from my comment box. I don't know what Madame Defarge did to upset them, perhaps it was her entourage of huskies, I don't know, but I have had a word, redesigned my comment box and all seems to be well again.
Admittedly I have also had trouble gaining access to comment boxes... I have to flash my security pass [and sometimes my knickers] several times at Joey's and my cursor has to stay outside at Fairyhedgehog's.
And at a recent blog... I was blocked... thrown out... not allowed to enter at all... which quite frankly, hurt a bit [nobody on my blogroll... and I'm not naming names].
Anyhow, the problem seems to be with embedded comment boxes... so I have switched to a full page spread.
Other blogging news.... Mitzi has discovered my secret life as a plumber's mate; trust me, my Essex flange is far superior to the Surrey flange and I can do wonders with a two hole mixer tap whilst expanding a vent pipe... but nonetheless, these revelations are all very disturbing....

Whatever.... time for a tune for a foot tapping start to the week.

***Coming next... MJ's Tarot reading***

The Sniff of Danger

2011-01-25T10:17:00.001Z

Yesterday I was banjaxed at the beauty counter by the perfume lady who drenched me in the acrid scent of Sentir Un Peu Ordures. It's the new perfume from the House of Idoles écran et Non-entités, but I don't recommend it. It reeks.
Anyhow, it is taking me a while to wash it off, so I am away to the little known salt baths of Milton Keynes for a good scrubbing and some gentle rehabilitation and maybe a little light leech therapy...

I will be back, refreshed,but possibly with a little less blood...

Exit pursued by a penguin with his cockles on a tray....

For Fun and Entertainment Purposes Only

2011-01-21T12:49:00.001Z

This is the second in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only and should not be taken at all seriously because I am not psychic and cannot foresee the future. It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.

Firstly an update on my first eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading post which featured Mr XL and ably demonstrates my startling abilities.
Incredibly I accurately ascertained that Mr XL is a frustrated restless redhead.
I then predicted that he would soon visit Australia. And He did!!!
Finally I predicted that he would throw caution to the wind and do something daring. He did!!!
Read this!!!
Anyhow, I think it is now time to update Mr XL’s future and discover what 2011 has in store...
Now Keep still Mr XL whilst I stroke your avatar, gently press my nose against it and give it a good nuzzle....

Apologies for the slight tingle...
Mr XL, the Tarot is telling me that you must ignore mischievous fortune cookies, as they speak nonsense... you must stick to well dunked gingernuts in future as they are kinder to your teeth.... and be careful with your teeth this year, as there could be some danger in the form of a heavily seeded bap or a crusty topped bloomer.
The Tarot is also telling me that you are feeling vulnerable and that you are having a bit of an identity crisis. You are smarting and dwelling on previous hurts. But do not worry, very soon everything will become clear as you are about to venture on a voyage of self discovery and you will again learn to value yourself. I also spy the birth of a new relationship... or a renewal of faith... there are definitely gentle stirrings of new beginnings... you are advised to take things slowly and to feed yourself with pleasure [good heavens!] and you must nurture yourself [the well dunked gingernuts will help you to do this], and treat yourself kindly. This self indulgence... although it may feel selfish... will lead you to the place you need to be. I hope this helps.

If there is anyone else who would like an insightful reading then please make a request in the comment box below.
Thank you... I am now psychically exhausted and need to rest....

Be a Shade Braver

2011-01-12T16:55:00.002Z

Wendy Woods Woodall is the headmistress, pottery teacher, and dinner lady at the highly regarded Woods Woodall school of seduction tips and trickery. Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft, wood turning, and aerobic deportment with a fireman's pole.
To graduate with flying colours every student has to demonstrate a thorough knowledge of all she has learnt during the 24 hour intensive course [only £1,060 if you sign up before January 18th]. To do this the students have to perform the notorious, and technically challenging, walk of seduction across a variety of complex surfaces, the finale being an artful performance on a shag pile rug.
Trisha is the last student down the runway, she is nervous as Wendy and her full time companion, Jennifer Johnson - an optician from Barnstaple, are in critical mood. One girl has already left sobbing after losing her balance on the Cotswold cobbles.
Trisha is poised and begins her walk. The red carpet is a doddle and the cobbles: outmanoeuvred on tip-toe, but as she reaches the shag pile she knows that something is wrong. Wendy is screwing up her nose as though Jennifer has just sprayed her cleavage with eau de scorn. Trisha panics. What has she done wrong? Her skirt is well above her thighs, her knickers - just below her knees... Then, Trisha, feeling a shade braver, removes the elastic band from her hair, shrugs her jumper from her shoulder and flashes her strapline: a small change to your hair can make a big change to your head. Headmistress Wendy beams a smile and Trisha graduates for being Nice 'n Easy.

Tip Of The Day

2011-01-06T11:09:00.000Z

.
Some years back we were all encouraged to go to work on an egg. Personally I prefer to start the day on a banana; it keeps me perky from dawn 'til dusk so I always keep my fruit bowl well stocked and happy.

However, be warned, if you drop any on your sheets or clothing then mop it off with a warm damp cloth to prevent unsightly staining.

A Proper New Year Post

2011-01-02T11:27:00.003Z

.
I spent New Year's Eve up Mr Beastie's back passage, it was be-crammed with fellow revellers and smelt only slightly of banana puree. I think it had been cleaned for the occasion.
The back passage is of course attached to the delightful Cafe C. To be honest I don't really remember an awful lot about it. I have some strange abstract photos on my ancient Nokia, such as this:

...and this may be upside down... who's to know?
I met the gorgeous Mavis/Frobisher... who seemed amazed at the remarkable resemblance I bear to my avatar... and I met the charming Mr C [he is wonderful, how he puts up with Mr Beastie's nonsense, I do not know] and the lovely James, who both looked after me for the evening and made me feel like a minor celebrity. I had tried to sneak in incognito by wearing my over sized gabardine mac and Jackie O sunglasses, but I think my large entourage might have given me away. Anyhow, the champagne was soon flowing... interspersed with rounds of shots that I now find very difficult to describe - I have a vague recollection of something creamy in a very small plastic cup. Quite frankly, I have no idea what went down my throat that night, whatever it was it was it must have worked because I have only just sobered up.
I do have a blurry recollection of a belly dancer trying to lure me on to the dance floor... and I heard Mavis singing.... but it is all a bit of a haze... and I don't actually remember midnight.... I possibly sampled Mr Beastie's nibbles.... who's to know? As Mr Beastie himself quite rightly puts it: Loose Lips Sink Ships.

To all at Cafe C - a very big thank you for spoiling me something rotten and for giving me a wonderful New Year's Eve [I just wish I could remember more about it!] And....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

...to everyone who has stumbled and stumbles across me.

NB. Plans for the recovery of the Freaking Green Elf Shorts will soon be underway... more news to follow...

Where Is The New Year Post?

2011-01-01T20:08:00.002Z

??????

Where Is The Christmas Post?

2010-12-22T12:25:00.001Z

The view from my window.

Post? I haven't had any post since last Thursday. I only have four Christmas cards. I had to dig my way out on Monday. Actually that's a lie; I didn't do any digging. That would be silly. A very nice man dug me out on Monday. If I'd been a little more foreward thinking I would have taken a pic of the snow falling into my hallway as I opened the front door. It's not like I couldn't see the snow as the front door is made of glass.
And I still don't know what I'm doing for Christmas as all plans have been snowballed. I'm feeling a little out of salts... and grit... and cat litter... and chocolate [sob]. And I missed my big Christmas hair appointment. To be honest I don't feel very Christmassy; aside from the snow the only sign that it is Christmas are the forebodding trailers of death and destruction for Eastenders. On the upside I have a bag of Chips in the freezer. Sigh.
Personally, I think we should all be doing a lot less of this:

And I should pucker up, dust off my sax, shake off the blues and try to get...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Happy 50th Anniversary Coronation Street!

2010-12-08T11:54:00.002Z

I can't let this week pass without making mention of Corrie's 50th Anniversary. It's on every night this week with a special live episode on Thursday. I have been gripped. More gripped than usual... although I've still got the urge to give Gail a slap for still looking like a gerbil that's chewing on a soggy cotton wool ball even though a tram has plunged into the street. Will anyone survive? But most importantly, what is to become of Mary's asymmetrical hemlines and Norris's neatly knitted mustard tank top...?

For those of you who don't understand the above paragraph please feel free to discuss the following: Snow; dressing up games; stippling; 'fashion' as the cultural construction of the embodied identity, or beekeeping... or Wikki-Leeks, as I am plumbing new depths in Wales.

Thank you, and I apologise in advance for being absent and, let's face it, a bit of a crap blogger lately.

The Secret Policeman's Pencil

2010-11-16T16:07:00.000Z

"Fearing that they would fall foul of health and safety guidelines, honorary police removed the ends of their pencils. There was no cost involved as an honorary officer removed the ends on his lathe.
The president of the honorary police association said they did not want to take any risks with children running around"

Taken from BBC Teletext South West 15/11/2010

There is no mention of what happened to their truncheons.

Other News: Apparently we must break open a bottle of Asti in celebration of the impending Royal nuptials... I hope Kate and William won't mind getting wed on the beach in Southend. I'll pay, it'll be cheaper that way.

Secret Ingredients

2010-11-07T17:38:00.001Z

Back in my heyday I was be-stacked with Memes and Awards; once upon a time I was popular and not a week would go by without someone bestowing a prestigious accolade upon me. However, now that I'm an old has been, and all my glitter has dropped off, a Meme is something of a rarity. But I have one!!! The lovely, exquisite, warm, kind and generous EmmaK has thrown one in my direction. She is obviously mixing in the right circles [makes note to plunder Emma's blogrol] and is rubbing shoulders with those with the bling.
Anyhow, she has asked me to publish my secret recipe for the perfect man... to be honest this had me a bit stumped... but I've now narrowed it down to these ten essential ingredients:-

1. Must be able to coax the squirrels out of trees with a handful of nuts.

2. Must be able to reverse with a trailer [I have a lot of cosmetics].

3. Must have a good and proper understanding of the theory of torsional vibration and know how to clean apparatus after heavy usage.

4. Must be hideously competitive. There is nothing funnier than beating a hideously competitive man at Tiddly Winks, or KerPlunk.

5. Must be able to skim a pebble across a tranquil lake by moonlight without knocking out a beaver [a little light romance is sometimes appropriate].

6. Must be willing to clean up cat vomit without being asked.

7. Must be willing to watch old back and white movies without complaining about the lack of car chases/explosions/explicit sex scenes, or falling asleep.

8. Must have an inexhaustible supply of batteries, stamps, tippex, staples and general stuff that I'm always running out of.

9. Must be able to carry a large load of luggage with a smile and song apon his lips.

10. Must be good at making lists.

11. ...must know not to comment on my weird excesses...

12. Must be able to read instructions.

I would now like to pass this meme on to the following people:-

Kev
Kerrie
Roses
Savvy
Mr Maps
Mr Mags
Mr Beastie
Mr Swings

...and anyone else who fancies having a go is most welcome to.

Oh, and please adapt your recipe according to your sexual preferences.

Best Before

2010-11-01T10:44:00.004Z

I am sitting here having my morning cup of tea with a Nature Valley granola bar. I like to dunk it. The discarded wrapper from the bar is laying by the side of the mug; the small print has caught my eye as it reads:-
Best Before: See Under Flap.
Time to get my first tattoo...

Meanwhile, I have drafts. In my postbox. They are all unfinished. I will get to work and finish them soon.

Hands That Do Dishes

2010-10-17T09:51:00.002+01:00

Each year, thousands of women from near and far, flock to a giant Cath Kidston kitchen warehouse [probably somewhere near Islington] to watch the passing on of the ceremonial Fairy Liquid bottle.
Over the years, generations of women have donned the seventies poodle perm, trussed themselves in starched white pinafores, and have washed up sinks full of cheap crockery in the hope that they would follow in the footsteps of the great Fairy fondlers of the past. There is no greater honour, for a woman, than to have the Fairy Liquid bottle bestowed upon her. If nothing else, it means that she will get to wear a nice frock on the telly and her daughter will be given a soft toy or a pretty doll.
To qualify as a Fairy Queen the contestant must be female. She must also have a pretty blond or brunette daughter [disguised gingers will be disqualified]; wear a piny, even on horseback; know the difference between Denby Arabesque and vintage Franciscan earthenware; be accustomed to wearing rubber on a daily basis without coming out in a rash; know the fundamentals of having a well stacked rack, and most importantly, be able to whistle the National anthem whilst flashing a minky.
Controversially, the hopeful finalists for 2010 were all members of the Womford-on-Terrace Washing Up Display Team. Their leader, Gloden Vantitty – an Icelandic beauty from Bournemouth - had won the iconic liquid bottle four times in the previous five years and had claimed that her success was down to an ancient scrubbing technique and absolutely nothing to do with intimate involvement with the seventeen gentlemen on the judging committee. Therefore, it came as no surprise when Nanette Newman [star of stage, screen, and many Fairy Liquid ads] announced that Miss Vantitty had yet again succeeded in winning the Fairy Queen crown and bottle sceptre.
All would have continued well for Gloden if it hadn’t been for Fanny Vantitty, a jealous relative, who salaciously revealed to a national newspaper that Gloden hardly ever bought Fairy. Photographic evidence revealed she’d been using a dishwasher for the last ten years and had a live-in maid called Tansy.
Gloden was relieved of her Fairy liquid bottle, it was clear to all that she was all washed up and no longer the star of this kitchen sink drama.

COMING SOON!!!!!

2010-10-11T14:57:00.000+01:00

*******NEW IMPROVED SCARLET BLUE - COMING SOON!!!!!!******* Unless of course you want to stick with the boring bush beating old one... up to you... I'm not fussed... honest....

Something Pretty To Look At Whilst I'm Doing Something Else...

2010-09-17T14:00:00.000+01:00

My last post was a little miserable, and as I'm not updating on a regular basis, I thought that the least I could do was to leave my blog looking pretty and cheerful.
So here is a pic of my Auntie Kiki; it was taken by her handyman, whose name was Ray.

Auntie Kiki was lucky with her choice of photographer. Sadly MJ and I cannot say the same, and we've had to make do with Mr Beastie's handiwork.
Anyhow... I must get back to the fevered scribbling....

A Problem Shared Is Public Property

2010-08-31T09:27:00.004+01:00

Evidently I have hit the 10,000 mark on my meter, which means it is time for a post, but I find myself sadly lacking in the post department - all my energies have been directed elsewhere - I am drained. All I am fit for is the bath chair on the patio.
I am also a little drained because I have been mulling over a serious problem. It gave me a headache for three days and then I decided that I was bored with having a headache and so I shrugged it off and, for the time being, have stopped thinking about it. All the thinking in the world isn't going to change anything - apart from adding to the depth of my frown lines, and I've always been of the mind that a problem shared is a problem doubled; possibly quadrupled; tabloid potential; blackmail fodder; a future soap storyline. So I stick my head in the sand and hope that I am wrong about 'the problem', which is a bit daft, cos I am seldom wrong.
Sigh. What would Deirdre Barlow do? Obviously the first thing she would do is wrestle the cellophane wrapping from a packet of Silk Cut and nip out into the backyard to have a fag. So that's what I will do. And then I will change my role model...

***Update***

I think that in future that I should save my imagination for fiction. All is now resolved and I am about to tuck into lashings of humble pie... but at least my headache has gone.
Right... 10,000 words to write before the next post....
Sx

Joined Up Words

2010-08-09T09:08:00.000+01:00

I have started doing this:-

I'm sure you've all seen these meters littered around the blogosphere and you all know what they mean. Yes, I am trying to assemble 80,000 words together to make a coherent whole.
The central character is Carol, an out of work dentist from Harrow who’s dumped herself on Wayne, a billionaire playboy from Wigan. A scuffle down Fanny's Lane ensues closely followed by a mysterious incident on Blotched Bottom Common involving the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. It reaches its climax with a death defying escapade on top of a haystack in a field just off the A30 [sorry Dave, but I do kiss and tell].
As you can tell, this is to be a well researched historical/romantic novel.

Progress is slow and I really need all my powers of concentration, and a huge dollop of discipline, to get it done.

I will write my next blog post when I hit 10,000, or when I get fed up with trying. I will also still be keeping an eye on you all.

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!

What to wear on a Blog Meet

2010-08-03T13:40:00.003+01:00

We had arranged to meet by the third haystack on the right in a field just off the A30 at five minutes past midnight. What could be simpler? So that we would recognise each other Dave was to wear his purple smoking jacket, a pink carnation and his dog collar [I like a man in a uniform]. I suggested that he also wore trousers or shorts. I was to be attired in a suitable outfit - my favourite ditsy print red rubber play suit teamed with Bordello red patent stilettos and black stockings. You could say that I was fully girded for his much lauded sermon on the mount. We had both been looking forward to our blog meet for weeks; intense comment flirtation within our boxes had heightened and aroused our expectations - we were like two lively Labradors ready to be unleashed - both fevered with excitement at the prospect of our imminent union. But the best laid plans often go awry; how was I to know that on the same night that Dave and I had arranged to meet that a vicars and tarts party would be in full swing by the third haystack on the right in a field just off the A30....
I wonder if Dave has any pictures?

The New Post

2010-07-15T13:23:00.001+01:00

I have been very impressed by Lulu and Eryl's maps, so I thought I'd scribble a map of this post. As you can tell I am not very good at map reading and I often get lost.

Mr Mags wanted a pic of my boobs, so I have drawn him an enhanced representation - I hope this will suffice.

I had some disturbing news yesterday when I discovered that my writing style was the same as James Joyce... and... er... Dave. Click HERE if you want to know who you write like - it's great fun.

SERIOUS BIT: MJ's and Leni's comments are still vanishing, it's been over a month now and the blogger team aren't exactly falling over themselves to resolve the problem. I really think Blogger should employ more people to look after us all... anyhow, Mr Swings is organising another assault on the Blogger Help Forum to get them to speed up a bit. Please visit Mr Swings if you're in the mood for a bundle.

I can't be bothered with the armpit advert at the moment - something about women feeling really horny after they've shaved their armpits. I am dubious about this.

Groovy Boobs and Posts

2010-07-09T13:21:00.001+01:00

Since being on a blogging break I have blogged more than usual. Which is a bit odd. Anyhow, I thought I ought to put a new post up because my previous post wasn't really a proper post... only I haven't really got anything to post about... but I shall try to post something anyway. Maybe I will write a post about posts [see, nothing to say at all]?
Enough of this silliness. Over the last few days I have been concerned about my bra size; I'm not really sure what size I should be wearing. According to measuring guides, I should be wearing a 34D. This can't be right as I have no spillage from my 32B, it's not too tight and it doesn't ride up at the back. I wondered if their were any ladies out there who could advise, or any gentlemen willing to assist...?

EMERGENCY!!!!

2010-07-06T13:32:00.004+01:00

Emergency - First it was MJ and Leni - But now we're all vanishing.

DAVE and MR PIRATE are both having their comments eaten.

Blogger forum question HERE.

Tick the email follow up comments box or you won't know that you've received a comment. There are three so far on this post but they have all vanished.

For everybody who is having a problem today - make sure that you get on Gatsby's spreadsheet HERE.

Thank you Savannah, for the link.

Dark UFO person is also collecting data on this problem HERE.

Christ, this is getting complicated...

I seem to be back... but nobody else is yet, so my comment box looks a bit weird.
Try re posting your current posts... that's what I did with this one.

As of 2.00pm we seem to be able to see our own avatars but no other avatars. Weird. Scrub that; we are all vanishing again.

****UPDATE**** I think it is more or less mended.... maybe MJ's old comments are back as well. Live in hope.... die in a heap of despair.... [time 17:25]
I'm going to log off in a bit; Mum is calling me in for my tea.

...and on that note....

2010-06-29T14:44:00.000+01:00

My poor old laptop can't cope with the snazzy newfangled Blogger templates. I find myself jerking off all over your posts, and this just isn't seemly, or appropriate. I can enter you via Google reader but it's still hit or miss as to whether I make it into your comments box. It is most frustrating. And my line speed is on go slow.
So I am having a longer break than I thought I would. I thought it would be nice to leave my blog with a classic Scarlet post, until I get a new laptop, or some kind soul sends me an iPad and on that note....

It takes years of learning, a steady pair of hands, and an unflinching demeanour to gain the ancient skills and techniques required for good bush-craft. Here we see Annie Wilkinson with a portfolio of her latest topiary designs and a few of her happy clients. Annie has a natural flair for ornamental balls and geometric squares. She has learnt her trade the hard way and she has reached the top of the tree in her field without the need for an Ikea stepladder. It was an arduous ascent. There were bumps and gashes along the way, nics and serious injury. Her pathway has been hard to clear. First she was tripped up by Sally’s stubble, then she got lost in Lindy’s thicket; she was almost broken by Brenda’s bracken and just very confused by Allie’s travelling wicker. Finally, she slipped and lost her clippers whilst shearing mossy flanks. Indeed, there have been rough patches, and times when she nearly gave up. Thankfully, Annie’s supportive friends rallied round and offered up their scrubby beds so that she could beaver at her craft. She tackled Tina’s teasels; she dealt with Holly’s pricks; she weeded Fanny’s borders and shaped up Moira’s twigs….. [good grief]
Anyhow, Annie has grown restless, there is only so much she can do with sequins, spangles and decorative fringing; she is tired of all this frippery and has decided to turn her attentions to boyfriend Duncan’s natural forest. It is huge and on a mammoth scale. The sap is rising, her fingers are loose, she’s learning the pleasures of whittling with spruce….

Go On England!!!

2010-06-23T14:03:00.000+01:00

Thought I ought to show willing, even though I am on a blogging break.... and I don't really like football...

Is it going to be tears before teatime? Is this a silly question?

Va Va Voom... And Other Words Beginning With V

2010-06-19T09:26:00.009+01:00

Vuvuzela - now here's a word I will practice before saying in public. It is a word to be rolled around the tongue and swiftly blown. And not to be said with your mouth full.
As a child I was prone to verbal mishaps, mostly my mistakes were gently corrected, laughed at or ignored. Denim became deminimum and aluminium became aluminiminimummmn. I tried never to mention Birmingham and would often find myself steering the conversation towards Manchester. Like many children I had a problem with the Grand Prix, and of course with that well known car manufacturing firm...
It was a special occasion, friends and relatives were coming for Sunday tea; Mum had opened a fresh can of spam and had baked a Victoria sponge. She'd also done a salad and some other boring stuff featuring pineapple chunks and half a grapefruit. As we sat around the dining table my Aunt began to tell us about her brand new car, marvelling over its luxurious leather interior and its faux wooden dashboard. I could see it through the window parked on our driveway - new, red and very shiny. I was most impressed. Loudly and enthusiastically I asked, 'Dad, when are you going to get a big vulva like Auntie Pam's?'
Such a shame that my Uncle had just popped a pickled onion into his mouth, but at least his choking provided a welcome distraction....

***UPDATE*** I will be absent for the rest of the week. I have work to do and if I don't start it now then I never will. I will be about... but not as frequent.

***FURTHER UPDATE*** Although I seem to be appearing HERE. All help gratefully received.
Sx

Checking In

2010-06-14T10:16:00.004+01:00

MJ IS BACK!!!!!

I don't know why favourite blog Informaniac has been deleted. Maybe it's because Blogger has been adding new bits and bobs to our dashboards... but maybe it is censorship? Anyhow, I have more or less used all the credit on my phone trying to keep up with it all. I am upset. I will be checking out Wordpress when I get home - I might be going upmarket! I'm not staying on blogger if they're going to delete blogs willy nilly... or even blogs with willys... end of.

****UPDATE**** MJ's comments are still vanishing from blogs so if you want to keep her words then click the email comments box. Hopefully this problem will sort itself out. I am having a bit of a mare with my new Wordpress blog and as Leni points out, they may well be more prudish there.
Meanwhile, I had an extremely exhausting weekend, I will be remaining in my bath chair out on the patio until I feel better. I feel better than I did yesterday so there is hope.

News Flash!

2010-06-11T17:46:00.000+01:00

I'll be back Tuesday! - No this doesn't mean I'll be displaying a picture of my back on Tuesday.... or does it?
Sx

Have a great weekend!

A Little Behind

2010-06-09T12:33:00.002+01:00

Good grief.
The things I do to keep people happy... it's a good job I do a bit of yoga or I'd never have been able to get this shot.

Click to make big

Now that I have illustrated the behind [little or otherwise] can we now have a sensible discussion about the 1940's British economy? Or shall we talk about Wales... or Whales even... or continue the fascination with the Victorian lard sculpting tool, or am I just tempting some very rude comments?

Some rather more explicit images of the behind can be found here and are only suitable for the more discerning viewer.

A Warning To Travellers

2010-06-08T13:10:00.004+01:00

Mr Beastie writes: New post !!!! Hurry up. Well, I'm a little behind so to keep the peace I will have a rummage through Youtube and see what I can throw on the screen... hang on... I won't be a minute... make yourself busy and play with the Victorian lard sculpting tool whilst I choose something suitable....

Er... well Mr Beastie, you did ask me to hurry up, so I bring you this stern warning from the 1940's....

All explanations gratefully received. Thank you.

I'm Two!!!

2010-06-02T08:28:00.005+01:00

Today is a very special day on the Scarlet Blue calendar; I am two!!! *does special toddler dance*, meaning I have now been blogging for two years. Who'd have thought?! Two years of adverts and bush craft!
Anyhow, as luck would have it, I have also received an award from Technobabe, which is a perfect way to celebrate being on the blog AND, serendipitously, it is The Blue Award....

To accept this award I have to answer the following questions posed by Technobabe and then I have to make up ten of my own and pass the award on to six questionable bloggers.
Okay then...

1. What is one thing you do not want to write about in your blog?
I try to avoid writing about motorways and traffic news. This is sometimes difficut for me because I have a fetish for motorway service stations, particularly the Soltice service station off the A303 near Amesbury.
The year 2000 is also blacklisted.
2. If you were able to travel anyplace for a month, where would you want to go?
See above.
3. What is your favourite book reading genre?
Comedy/Drama; my favourite authors are David Lodge, Jonathan Coe and Mavis Cheek. I like books that make me think whilst I'm laughing.
4. How old do you have to be to consider yourself really old?
102.
5. What part of blogging do you enjoy most?
The party in the comments box.
6. If you were looking for a roommate, what is your ideal roomie?
A wide screen HD ready television.
7. What does the word spiritual mean to you?
Cheesecloth blouses, patchwork floaty skirts and crocheted shawls.... Oh, and experiments with tie-dye and potato printing.
8. How many siblings do you have?
One.
9. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Thankfully never a serious one. But I have been stood on by a donkey.
10. Do you have a pet?
Mr Beastie

And I'd like to pose these ten questions:-

1. Do you prefer asking questions or answering them?
2. What is your favourite joke? [Or favourite one liner?]
3. Have you ever fantasized about being on Big Brother [the well known TV show... I'm not alluding to incest]?
4. Have you ever wanted to enter a talent show?
5. Is Simon Cowell really necessary?
6. Tea or coffee?
7. What is your favourite perfume? Or smell?
8. What is the quickest route to Wales from where you live?
9. What does the word 'Wales' conjure to your mind?
10. Are you dreading dreaming up ten questions to ask six bloggers?

To the following six bloggers:-

1. Mrs French
2. Mr Swings
3. Dave
4. Leah
5. Nick
6. Mr Mags

Many thanks to everybody who has partied in my comments box over the last two years! Shall we have cake now....?

Sad News

2010-05-24T13:27:00.001+01:00

I am shocked and saddened to hear of the death of Mutley, author of Mutleythedogsdayout. Mr Mutts was amongst my first handful of commenters... I think he used to turn up in a variety of guises, which is the sort of thing that tickles me. He understood the spirit of the blogosphere and played creatively; he was a quirky chap and although I wasn't as close to him as some, I will miss him
My condolences to his partner, Kate.

Flakey Women

2010-05-17T12:33:00.001+01:00

.

In the UK young women are often found in fields where they are encouraged to follow their artistic pursuits. They are fed on chocolate.

Unfortunately the diet of chocolate and living alone in a field plays havoc not only with their teeth but also with their mental health. Many are found wandering naked amongst the wheat baring their gums to the sun and many haven't even bothered to slap on the sun cream.
If you are visiting a field in the UK anytime soon then please please take with you some spare clothes, a picnic basket of nutritious food and perhaps a colouring book with an assortment of wax crayons. Remember, these women need our help. Thank you.

A Quick Quiz....

2010-04-28T13:09:00.003+01:00

.

I will be absent from my blogging post for 2 weeks from Sunday. Is this because:-

a) I am jetting away on an exotic holiday.
b) I am standing trial for my crimes against advertisers.
c) I am standing trial for my unruly bush.
d) I have become embroiled in a relationship with a handsome Welshman.
e) I am improving my arsenic bleaching skills for my role as Official Infomaniac Beautician.

During my absence I will be wearing:-

a) Nothing.
b) A smart Vivienne Westward suit. With purple velvet sling-backs and a feather boa.
c) A wry smile and a short denim skirt from Primark.
d) A wax jacket and wellies.
e) A white straitjacket.

I am hoping to attain:-

a) An all over suntan.
b) Freedom.
c) Understanding and a freebie bic razor.
d) Toned hips and thighs.
e) An internationally recognised qualification.

To do this I will be:-

a) Slathered in coconut oil and wrapped in tin foil and baked at 230 degrees.
b) Lying a lot.
c) Pleading for mercy.
d) Walking for miles and throwing a ball for my new man.
e) Fiddling with test tubes and learning how to have a steady hand with a spatula.

Whilst I'm away you will:-

a) Miss me.
b) Send me money to pay for my counsel.
c) Laugh at my predicament.
d) Wait for photographic evidence.
e) Book an appointment with me so that I can practice my new and groundbreaking skills.

For answers please look in the comment box. I thank you for your participation.

Advert Music Tuesday

2010-04-26T11:30:00.000+01:00

I am feeling lazy this morning. So I am posting tomorrow's post today. This piece of music is also lazy and is being used in the new Dulux paint advert. I think that's all I have to say about it... other than it suits my mood because it has a lovely lazy lilt... oh, and I can also play it on my saxophone.

Other news: My BMI is down to 20.37 [height to weight ratio... or sommink - means I've lost a few pounds], my bum and thighs are beginning to look toned... but I still have a stubborn bit of muffin. I will persevere.

Election Special!!!!

2010-04-20T05:05:00.001+01:00

For those of you who are still dithering over who to vote for, here is a simple guide:-

For those of you wishing to keep the Tories out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wishing to keep Labour out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wishing to keep the Liberals out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wanting a Labour government - vote Tory.
For those of you wanting a Tory government - vote Labour.
For those of you wanting a Liberal government - vote Green.
For those of you still confused - vote for Icelandic Volcanic Ash Party [They are environmentally friendly and have already grounded many planes.]

I hope this alleviates all confusion. The rule is to never ever ever vote for what you believe in. This is social death. Be cunning and always keep'em guessing.

Dear Scarlet....

2010-04-16T13:10:00.007+01:00

www.victoriantradingco.com

Hi Scarletblue

I've just Googled my way to your web-site and a blog you wrote last August titled That's Life, So Wot?
I was particularly interested in your reply to a comment made by Wendy when you said -

Wendy: I feel more like a teapot at the moment! I love hot water bottles. It's because they smell of hot rubber. Odd.

I love hot water bottles too and always had a craving for the smell of the hot rubber. I've always thought it was odd too and never been able to understand why it is. Until recently I'd never heard anyone else say they like the smell of hot water bottles, but a Google search shows that many people feel the same way.
I like the smell of the hot rubber because I associate it with comfort and warmth. Why do you like the smell?

I love my hot water bottles so much I get rather attached to them and don't like throwing them away even when they get old. What do you do with your old ones?

When this missive first fell into my inbox I was a little dubious, suspecting that the writer was trying to coerce me into a hot rubber discussion of a seedy nature. I was worried about where it might lead. But after consideration, I think it's quite sweet - simply one hot rubber lover connecting with another. I do indeed like the smell of hot water bottles.... but in answer to the query: as with any other kind of perishable rubber product, I throw the old ones out because they tend to leak and make the sheets wet. I hope this helps.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

2010-04-13T07:59:00.000+01:00

Do you want to give up smoking? Do you like old classic movies? Then it couldn't be easier; simply dress up as your favourite film star and suck on a tampon.

A Battle of Will

2010-04-09T17:59:00.000+01:00

As you might have noticed, I am having a sulk. Why? Well last week I was rather more stupid than usual and I bought some precision bathroom scales. I have been in a foul mood ever since. I am not suggesting that I am overweight [I am NOT... in the same way that I am NOT ginger!!!!!!!]... just perhaps slightly heavier than I thought I was. Losing a couple of pounds would make my jeans less snug. Anyhow, I have cut down on my food intake and have turned my nose up at all the muffins and crumpets that have been on offer. A friend has now informed me that cutting too many calories can make the body think that it is starving and therefore the metabolism will slow down. I think the body should leave the thinking to the brain. And if the body is so fiendishly clever, how come the metabolism doesn't rapidly speed up when all extra muffin calories are consumed to compensate? That's what I'd like to know...

I will try to stop sulking by Monday, when hopefully I will be back to my usual lithesome, slinky self.

ISA ISA Baby

2010-03-29T13:07:00.000+01:00

It happens to us all. We have all made fools of ourselves for love. Carol has fancied Derek for 2years, 5 months, 14 days, 17 hours and 305 minutes. And everybody knows it. They work shoulder to shoulder at Halifax radio in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. As Derek waxes lyrical about his sublime hedge fun and the operational efficiency of his assets, Carol finds complementary songs from iTunes on her laptop. Derek talks about pension plans and Carol plays When I’m 94. Derek talks about his back-end load. Carol plays Dark Side of the Moon. Derek talks about ISAs. Carol, now fully inspired, plays Ice Ice Baby and looks tenderly at Derek. At work they are a team, partners between the balance sheets, keeping customers entertained with witty banter and double entry bookkeeping.
But alas, Carol’s emotional capital is not reciprocated. Derek is saving himself for Scottish widow Sandy, who works in the canteen buttering baps and making tea. She is elegant, likes long walks in the countryside, knows a fair bit about air-sea rescue, can play French tangos on the accordian and wears a jolly nice black velvet hooded cape. She is a far better prospect all round. Derek is hoping that Sandy will be agreeable to his large deposit and generous investment as she promises good bonus and isn’t adverse to sudden withdrawal. In Carol, sadly, he is interest free.

Mr Coppens and his Serious Angst

2010-03-21T15:25:00.001Z

I am worried. I am worried about Mr Coppens. He seems to be suffering from an excruciating bout of 'social networking fatigue'. What should we do? How can we help him? His dilemma is making me angsty. Perhaps he needs to get himself a pet? Research suggests that heavy petting controls blood pressure much better than drugs. I imagine that a beaver might be a popular choice for Mr Coppens because he lives in Canada. Perhaps he will recover if he indulges in some beaver relief. Big beavers; small beavers; nibbling beavers.... even Mrs Pouncer's glorious sheared beaver may help him. I really don't know. I am lucky as I have a curly coated golden retriever to groom.
Anyhow, this is for Mr Coppens:-

Other news: I have been reading a book!!! [How retro am I??!!] It has a spine and pages made of paper and printed words. And it is non-fiction. I am learning about the history of England. For the time being I blame Henry VIII for EVERYTHING. Even social networking fatigue.

Important Information

2010-03-15T13:03:00.002Z

.

Miss Scarlet Blue will be away until Friday due to high maintenance issues. She will also be engaged in making important decisions of a colourful nature.
THIS POST IS FOR INFORMATION ONLY AND REQUIRES NO ACTION ON YOUR PART. If you are in any doubt about the contents of this post please consult a blogger on the nearby blogrol. Or have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2010-03-09T11:59:00.000Z

Today I will be indulging myself, starting with playing a good tune:-

Great hair, fab shoes.... I really want a pair of shoes like these... and somewhere to wear them.
I'd also like a Roberts radio; a tub of daffodils; a modelling contract; a yacht; something to cover in Fablon sticky back plastic; an exciting cutlery set and some saucer champagne glasses.
I'm not really fussed about the modelling contract or the yacht, to be honest.

Coming Around Again

2010-03-01T15:44:00.001Z

Sad news. The eighties revival is over; fashionistas everywhere will be looking for the next big thing. They will look for something to revive from the nineties, but after a brief dalliance with a grungy mohair jumper and a linen trouser suit, they will throw their hands up in despair. By 2018 the sixties will have been revisited fourteen times. In 2014, trendsetters will be wearing eighties sixties retro with a forties perspective... but for now we're at the tail end of the eighties... with a fifties twist...

...How about early seventies with thirties styling...?

Does it make sense to jump out of a warm bed into a cold cereal?

2010-02-25T15:20:00.001Z

Is life getting you down? Is today turning out to be a complete washout? Don't be grim... try reading Scarlet Blue's blogspot - It's so big, you've gotta grin to get it in. Scarlet can deliver powerful relief in just two minutes and we all like a little hanky panky now and again, don't we?
Scarlet Blue's Blogspot - because life's complicated enough.
You know it makes sense.

Pity about Woolworths though...

My Name is Scarlet and I'm a Lazy Blogger

2010-02-20T18:18:00.001Z

I am still here. I haven't been kidnapped by aliens, Facebook, or even a nice policeman. I am still a blogger. But I have been busy. Remember the post about the live/work unit? Well I am putting the work unit to use. I am painting. I am painting pictures. They're not brilliant, so I won't post any of my masterpieces here and fish for compliments, but I will fish for compliments when I'm feeling more confident.

Other news: I have noticed that there has been word of dwindling blogosphere activity; Mr Jimmy wrote an excellent post about blogging and Geoff has also chimed in, I can only echo their thoughts as they write it all better than wot I can. Although I will add that the other day I was a little disconcerted to find that I had followers in my Google email account.... odd. It's all getting a little out of hand and to be honest I can only cope with one social networking site. Yes, I do have a Facebook account, but I don't do much there other than spend too much time doing Facebook quizzes... I like quizzes... pretty crap at them... and I'm also pretty crap at multitasking... I can't keep up with it all. Anyhow, Blogger is my preferred networking site, it's where I grew up.

AND apart from being busy I've also bought a new flat/wide screen singing/dancing telly... [it's not all work then] sorry... but I do have to watch adverts and stuff or I'd have nothing to write about and I've never really got over the novelty of colour telly... I can even remember the first thing I watched in colour - it was Robin Hood and they all had green eyebrows... anyhow, is that the time....

*slinks off to watch 'Let's Dance for Sport Relief' on a very big screen...*

Here Comes That Advert Again

2010-02-02T17:21:00.002Z

There is no easy way of saying this... but I am sick to my back teeth of hearing Here Come The Girls, the tune that has accompanied every Boots advert for the last two or three years. Listen up Boots: I'm sick of it! Enough with your coming! Change your tune and your marketing strategy. Have you not noticed that half the population are men and that your stores do sell shaving equipment and other daily essentials that men may well be interested in... such us photo frames; loose leaf files; batteries; deodorant and bifocals...[what do I know?]... it's about time that the girls had a rest; let them go on holiday; let them wear comfy shoes; let them have a cosmetic free day; let them have frizzy hair; let them sit back in a comfy chair; let them formulate a manifesto for world peace, and let the boys come for a change.

*Apologies to non-UK people who might not know what I'm banging on about.

Still Desperate

2010-01-27T09:38:00.003Z

I have been memed by Emmak to share three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made me buy things/do things/think things that perhaps I shouldn't have.
First up is 'Grease' and Olivia Newton John wearing shiny black lurex leggings teamed with a pair of wooden look mules [£2.50 from Barratts in 1978]. Thankfully my mum saved me from this look - I was far too young... but when I got my own money in 1983 there was really no stopping me. I think a boob tube also featured. Sob. Thankfully all the pics have been destroyed.

As I got older I realised the error of my ways and it was Madonna as Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan who defined my look for the eighties... I was [and still am] also pretty smitten with her lacy mittens [easier for smoking than gloves] and handy storage solutions. I'm still on the look out for a drum case to store my clothes and undies in, and, because of this film, I have an expansive collection of retro travelling trunks and boxes.

The film Pretty in Pink had a huge impact on my life. I applied for a job in Our Price; cut up all my clothes then tried to reassemble the pieces into a fetching evening gown, and I also tried to get off with a bloke who had been to grammar school. Tut. Life just isn't like the movies... I'm not even ginger... and I've since found out that pink really doesn't suit me... And I never got to be an American Prom Queen.... with pom poms.... sob...

I now would like to tag Mr Swings; Kerrie; Kev; Pat; Mr XL; Mitzi and Princess and anyone else who knows me....

...good grief, my spelling... I knew there was something wrong but I couldn't see for looking...

Bucking the Trend

2010-01-25T15:27:00.002Z

What's all this then? I suppose I am the last one to find out about this? Apparently I am only worth B$288.88. Back in May 2009 I peaked at B$725.96. Why have I been so devalued? What did I do wrong? Did I not flash my knickers in the right direction? Did I not mention my bush enough? I have tried to claim my blog on Blogshares ....but they are having none of it and they seem to be having fun at my expense. I am being used as a mere commodity... a lump of meat... I feel quite hurt. But we all seem to be on there. Mr Beastie is worth B$5,412.11!!! Why am I so cheap???? How do I make my stock go up?
Perhaps I ought to ignore it. Probably only two people playing this daft fantasy game anyhow... mutter, mutter. And one of them is probably Mr Beastie...
I think I need a cheerful Youtube clip to see me through this turmoil.

A Blank Moment

2010-01-14T13:56:00.001Z

I have decided to dedicate today's post to the well loved game show Blankety-Blank in honour of Terry Wogan, Les Dawson and Lily Savage. Plus it might make this post more interesting.
Here goes then...
Yesterday I spent my day at ---------- where I had a -------- with Mr Beastie under the stinky ------. All I can say is -------------!!!!***!!! I think he cheated. But I am very grateful to Italy and all who sail in her. I am still ------- the stains off my velveteen slingbacks and I have lost my ----------. Sob. Damn it, I will --------, after all ----------- is another day and there is more than one way to peel a --------. Don't we all know it!
Later in the afternoon I visited Dave, who quite frankly, was soliciting for favours with vulgar -------. I have decided that this year I will be above all that ---------- and he can play with his --------- by himself. And mop up the inevitable mess.
I also noticed that Kaz is having a problem with her ------- [I hope she remembers] and that Kerrie is battling with ferrets that are lost in her ------. I am still working on the ----- for Emmak.
If you have enjoyed this short and ------ post, then next week I will be playing -------- come ----- and ---------- with me.

I thank you. Oh and I might be giving out --------.

A Sign of Good Taste

2010-01-08T12:45:00.003Z

Here we see Darren. He is hoping to be accepted as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair held in a disused leisure centre close to Southend pier and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their exquisite confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and a specially adapted 12 inch Twirl. Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908 but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach - her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.
So far the judges have been less than impressed, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has golden balls and he knows how to show them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel when his Sherbert Fountain fails to font and his Lion Bar goes limp. Darren feels his tension rising, his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter. A captivating display capturing the essence of ancient Egypt; classic, traditional and in the best possible taste. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect. Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down across the judges heads. Judge Erica dabs a stain on her frock with a tissue and exclaims, ‘with your display you are soiling us!’. Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is hoping to work with Annie. He is planning to weave his magic with a box of custard crèmes and a fudge fingered tart.

200th

It's All White...

2010-01-06T10:10:00.003Z

Who said it doesn't snow in Devon....? and why is Blogger publishing my posts before I've finished writing them? I know I don't write very much, but give us a chance... Anyhow, I was simply going to write: "...and the UK grinds to a halt".... maybe Blogger knew best eh?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2010-01-01T00:01:00.000Z

A Happy New Year to everyone who has made this blog an enjoyable place to be.
Bottoms UP!!

A Bit Of Stuffing Between Christmas And New Year

2009-12-29T14:54:00.002Z

During the festive period I imagine that many instruments have been used, left unwashed and then abandoned. Many of these instruments may have needed batteries. I recommend that all used instruments are disposed of in a sensible manner. Please place your used instruments in this bag with a full and concise description of what your instrument was used for. And whether it was fun. And please mention if it was used for basting the turkey.

Happy Christmas!

2009-12-22T13:10:00.002Z

I've been trying to get into the Christmas spirit, which is a big ask this year for many of us. Anyhow, if there's one tune guaranteed to make me want to hug everyone and go all fuzzy and a bit dribbly, then it's this one...

Happy Christmas to everyone, let's hope next year's a good one.
SXXXX

...Blimey, last year I was flashing my knickers at Santa and relieving him of his sack. This year I'm not even sure I've got the energy to sweep my chimney to smooth his passage...

Smeg And Nekkid Showers...

2009-12-17T12:04:00.003Z

Well what a palaver. What can I say... during the past month I have spent at least a week sleeping on the floor of an empty house - no fridge, no furniture etc... it was very hard, but not in a good way. And then, when I finally moved to Devon, the phones weren't connected. Eventually heads will roll. I am not good at suffering. I am good at temper tantrums.
Anyhow, enough of the whinging... the good news is that the Smeg survived....

...but there's still nothing in it...

Is the floor cleaner, Mr Jimmy?

....and I have a question for those who use proper shower cubicles: Do you clean your shower cubicle nekkid?
I do.

Something For The Weekend

2009-11-14T16:29:00.003Z

Now does this low fat cheese really melt under the grill? Who cares... the ad's great. And mice prefer peanut butter, soap and biscuit wrappers...

Strictly Not Cricket

2009-11-10T15:34:00.004Z

For chrissakes... what is wrong with me??? It just goes from bad to worse. I am developing a crush. I know the signs. Silly giggling, flushed cheeks etc. And even worse than that I'm now checking out old cricket matches. I'm sure Dave will have something to say about this.
I've had some bizarre mini crushes in my time, but... why am I writing a flipping post about it.....? I should know better and in future I will leave the fetish stuff to Leah.

...And Kerrie will have something to say about this Youtube.

Dreams and Schemes

2009-11-01T11:43:00.001Z

There is a vague possibility that I may be moving into a 'Live/Work' unit; this is probably the funniest sentence I have ever written. People who know me well will be clutching their sides laughing at this scenario and may even drop dead through the effort of stifling their sniggers. I am not famed for my work ethic. It is also questionable as to how I've managed to survive so comfortably for so long. But as my looks are now falling to my knees I suppose I ought to start making an effort. Even my eyelashes are beginning to need support [I kid you not, the other day I found myself contemplating buying eyelash curlers - something I've never needed before].
So what will I be doing? There will be the removal of layers, rubbing down and touching up. It will involve paint splattered overalls; an electric sander [there is only so much that I can achieve by hand], and a splash of artistry. It will be fun.
It is true, I am a lazy bugger, but when I get the bit between my teeth I am something of a goer.

***UPDATE*** Blimey, it looks like this is actually going to happen. I feel sick. So I might be a little busy over the next few weeks. What a weird year. I've been in a packing and unpacking frenzy. I will keep you updated.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-30T10:47:00.005Z

It was a dark dark night. The moon was full of cream cheese and bats flapped around in front of it like they do at the start of all good scary movies. There were a few stars scattered around as well, just to highlight how dark it was.
It was 1970. Peter and Tracy were huddled to together on the sofa and were being forced by their evil step-mother to watch repeats of 'The Singing Ringing Tree'...

...which would lead to them having a life long fear of dwarfs; men dressed up as bears and beached whales...

Cold Calling

2009-10-20T10:29:00.002+01:00

Cold callers can be annoying but also rather fun. They usually ring to ask you to switch your energy provider or broadband connection. There is a simple and effective method of dealing with them.
Firstly they will ask if you are the homeowner. Always say 'no'. It is imperative that you do not expand on this simple negative. 'No' will suffice. They will then ask if they can speak to the homeowner. Again, reply 'no'. They will then ask if you are a relative of the homeowner. Reply 'no' [can you see a pattern forming?]. At this point you might be able to discern a faint hint of frustration in the voice of the cold caller who may go on to ask if you are a friend or neighbour of the homeowner. Reply 'no'. The cold caller will then ask you who you are. You now have the cold caller in the palm of your hand.
Suitable replies:-
Vera Lynn
Princess Ann
A burglar. [My personal favourite]

Not About Bushes

2009-10-14T10:34:00.000+01:00

For the time being I don't want to look at the dratted white flag when I come to my blog but I have bugger all to write about. Recent popular subjects have included slugs [slugs score very highly on this blog it seems], Smeg fridge freezers and Kent bashing. Bushes have been popular but I think I may have overworked my bush...?
Joan Collins was on the telly last night, doing her bit to give British women a shot of glamour.... so I'll throw her into the mix... she's always good value for money...

Anyhow... that's better than looking at the dratted white flag. And many thanks for all of your kind and supportive comments.

The White Flag Post

2009-10-12T10:50:00.002+01:00

PHOTO CREDIT: JAN JACOBSEN. Worldpeace

I surrender to the black dog.
Sorry.
*wanders off whistling*

A Short Post

2009-10-08T10:23:00.002+01:00

For his 200th blog post Mr Whirly ran an 'undulatory' competition. I entered and my name was first out of his hat so I won a prize!!!!!
.

It may look like a short post but it's so much more and I am very pleased with it.

Other news: At my request Z has named a cow after me! And you can see her here. I am extremely chuffed. No field or farmyard is complete without a Scarlet.
Further news: Mrs P is back and is taking requests.
More news: Monty Python is 40 and I think this Youtube ties this short post together quite nicely...

I am no longer sulking.

Sulky

2009-10-03T14:54:00.004+01:00

Sulking is not pretty. I think it probably encourages wrinkles. But sometimes it's the only option available. So I am sulking. I'm quite good at it.
Playing merry with my bush is one thing, removing a whole tree is another.
Sulk.
Sx

Drive Sexy

2009-09-23T21:36:00.003+01:00

Here we see Maureen from Margate. Despite eating five pots of yoghurt a day Maureen is still feisty and has plenty of verve. She has just stolen a wedding dress, a white dinner jacket, a picnic hamper and a Val Doonican CD from Bhs and is now cruising in her brand new Peugeot intent on snaring a man with whom she can share her booty. After turning right on the roundabout at the top of Bromley High Street, Maureen finds herself on the A30 where she spots hitchhiker Gavin.
Gavin is an unemployed petrol pump attendant from Plymouth seeking work on Bodmin moor. He has not been lucky. As he recovers from being knocked over by a coach load of pensioners on a day trip to Glasgow he is attracted by the sight of Maureen’s bumpers. They are wonky and need realigning. Pleased with Gavin’s attentions Maureen lifts her bonnet and displays her engine. Gavin is immediately drawn to her magnetic stack and is blown away by her gear head efficiency. After checking her big end and playing with her hooters Gavin collapses in the passenger seat and allows Maureen to give him the drive of his life. She does several miles down Fanny Avenue; enters Butt Hole Road; gets a bit lost in Lickfold before leading him astray in Ladygate Lane. Gavin is quite relieved when they arrive in Cardiff.
In Gretna Green, Mike, the Mexican Priest, is waiting to perform the wedding ceremony for Gavin and Maureen. He is fond of his nuptials. When they arrive he does his best Elvis impersonation, he wiggles his pistons, reaches a point of high excitation and blesses their future by writing a heartfelt message on the rear window of their filthy 207. They are wed. And Maureen is happy that she spent her money learning to drive sexy.

Wonderful Life [Jukebox Monday]

2009-09-20T20:08:00.002+01:00

I have been tagged by Mr Gyppo to write a list of once in a life time experiences that I wouldn't like to ever, ever experience ever again... ever. Sounds straightforward.

1) Being Dressed up as a kangaroo.
2) Slamming my thumb in a train door [an oddly queasy experience when you realise what is preventing you from taking your seat]
3) Falling into a ditch of stinging nettles.
4) Being stood on by a donkey.
5) The sinking feeling I felt when I realised that the very very important document that the whole office had been hunting high and low for, for at least two days, had been on my desk all along.
6) Being dressed up as Humpty Dumpty.
7) Falling off a wall whilst dressed up as Humpty Dumpty.
8) Being stopped by the police whilst dressed up.
9) Being packaged as a doll in an art exhibition and not being allowed to move... or laugh.
10) Using a home hair colouring kit which may have turned my hair ginger. I DID IT ONCE, GOD DAMNIT, I AM NOT GINGER NOW.

I would like to pass this tag onto: Kerrie; Savvy; Pat; Madame D; Mr XL; Mr Swings; Mr Mags; ZIggI and of course... Dave.

Sigh. Meanwhile, here is a tune.

Slugging It Out

2009-09-15T09:36:00.000+01:00

When slugs die they leave great big blobs of jelly on footpaths and doorsteps. If you come into contact with a great big blob of jelly you are likely to slip and cause damage to your rear. It is a national disgrace that more isn't done to warn the general public about the perils of dead slugs. I propose that every bush and herbaceous border in England is surrounded by that yellow tape stuff to highlight this real and very present danger.

I thank you.

I still haven't moved.

This Is NOT Goodbye...

2009-08-20T18:35:00.000+01:00

...this is just an interruption.
I will be very busy over the next month or possibly longer. There is a glimmer of hope that my house sale is going through, so I am packing my bags... the biggest bag holds an awful lot of Estee Lauder products... and my hair straighteners.
I'm not sure where I am moving to yet... so watch this space... I will be around sporadically and will try to keep up as best I can with blogs. Hopefully everything will be done and dusted by Christmas and me and my Smeg fridge freezer will end up in the same place.

The Noughties

2009-08-18T12:58:00.000+01:00

I have never really got used to calling this decade 'The Noughties', and it's nearly over. Is the next decade going to be called 'The Teenies'? And if [fashion wise] the noughties was about revisiting the eighties... are we now set to revisit the nineties... and in twenty years time will the eighties be back again? Is there ever going to be anything new or will we forever regurgitate old trends?
And finally, will trends change so fast that there are no trends?
I am feeling deep and philosophical.

In the eighties we were loved up with the sixties... and the seventies were thought of as the decade that taste forgot.... how times change.... or don't?!

Messing About

2009-08-13T13:43:00.002+01:00

The evenings of my youth smelt of Jazz aftershave and tasted of Jack Daniels poured over glassy chinkles of ice. Nothing much mattered except good lipstick, mascara, big hair and reciprocated urges. Thursdays officially marked the beginning of the weekend, when my friend Gina and I would see if we could club solidly for three nights in a row. I always think of Gina as my sophisticated side-kick. Now she really could suck the creme from an egg without smearing her lippy, and she always looked stunning in Miss Selfridge black lycra mini dresses and six inch stilettos, whereas I preferred tight belted baggy trousers from Top Shop and ballerina pumps. She liked to pose, and I liked to dance. We were a good team, she could immediately attract and I would do the chatting. We never used to eat before going out, perhaps we'd share an extra strong mint and a squirt of Goldspot spray in the back of the cab before we arrived at the club, but we'd usually be too hyped to eat food. Anyhow, one night Gina had been force fed a curry before coming out and she said that her stomach felt a bit grumbly but reckoned she'd feel better after a drink... so she drank... half a bottle of Piper Heidsieck Champagne, four glasses of house white and two Crème de menthes [looks like washing up liquid, but pretty with a pink cocktail umbrella]. We left the club at about 2am and there were no cabs left, but I never minded walking home, I liked to burn off the buzz. Half way home and Gina began to complain that she needed the loo really badly. She was desperate. Busting. So although it meant taking a short-cut through a really dodgy estate, I said we could probably use the loos on the platform at the railway station. By the time we got there I also wanted to go, and being faster on foot than she, I dashed into the only working cubicle. Big mistake. When I came out something terrible had happened. On platform 2 of the railway station was a perfectly round cow-pat. Still steaming. Very odd because we were in town. And Gina must have been knocked over by the cow because she was crouching on the floor still staggering to get up....
Oh happy days. No CCTV, only the station manager to contend with...

That's Life, So Wot?

2009-08-08T21:18:00.000+01:00

I have chronic PMT. I feel like breaking crockery; I have a dull headed feeling and I feel like I'm chewing cardboard. I am oversensitive. And I can hear fingernails dragging across a blackboard. I am irrational. My head feels like it's in a vice. Or perhaps I need a new vice? Or some advice?
I NEED SOMEONE TO BE NICE TO ME. Failing that, a Moscow Mule will probably do. And a fag.
Anyhow, here is a clip of film made by a media studies student.

I am now going to put myself in a secure unit. It is for your own safety.

Tried and Tested

2009-08-05T11:01:00.001+01:00

I have tried Boots No7 Protect & Perfect Beauty Serum. I keep thinking it's called Protect & Survive or Protect & Preserve or Protect & Pickle. Anyhow, I thought I ought to try it after a scientist person tested it on a BBC Horizon programme and said that it could reverse the effects of aging. Well, I'm usually an Estee Lauder girl, but I thought I'd cut costs and try the Boots range. Results: the serum made my skin greasy and all my make-up slid off. I also tried the No7 pore minimising serum. This is like putting masking fluid on your chin and if you rub it too hard you get little white bits all over your face. I never usually have to pay for this kind of experience.

And don't think that cos your a bloke that this post doesn't apply to you. I am looking for a chap to test this:-

Come on, you know you're worth it.

AND, as an afterthought, why is it that when women age their skin gets baggy and saggy; it wrinkles, goes blotchy and then finally dries up and falls off, whilst men, on the other hand, just get a bit tired?

Alwrite

2009-08-01T17:40:00.007+01:00

I have a posh voice for answering the phone and a common voice for shouting and whining and chattering. Same goes for writing.
This is my shouty unedited writing:-

This is from my notebook. A private place that nobody is ever, EVER, supposed to see. You may recognise the post... only the pic isn't very good and I haven't got a scanner. Most of my posts begin in my notebook cos I can't really type. I can only manage one finger. Four if I concentrate.
And this is me practicing my posh writing. It makes me cringe because all I see are the squashed up letters and misplaced serifs. I don't know what it says. I think it's from an Oscar Wilde book. Again, as this is a practice sheet and not a final piece... nobody has ever seen it before:-

*Click to make big etc.

Domestic Angst

2009-07-29T15:32:00.001+01:00

I don't know if any one's noticed but I've actually run out of things to write about. I think I am bloggy blocked. And I have post-angst. I am a post-angstist. Something has gone wrong. I don't have a giant glowing light bulb in my head, instead I have a string of twinkling fairy lights, but they have all fizzed and popped. It's very sad. And Adverts are no longer floating my boat. I have things that aren't very interesting to write. Such as my shopping list:-

Ceramic china ducks
Pink leggings
Leopard print leggings
A House
Hot water bottle cover
Tortoise feeder
Glow in the dark post-it-notes
Bread
Milk
Play-dough
Pink fringed sateen lamp shade
Plum sauce
Sequins
Staple gun

I'm also very anxious about the handwriting meme, which I originally saw at Savannah's. I've drafted it in my head, but it's awkward. It's awkward because I was a calligrapher, so it would be like showing off. I am becoming a neurotic blogger.
I think I need a dose of oomph.
And, as an afterthought, how do you get towels fluffy without a tumble drier? Do I have to flap them in the breeze or something... or perhaps use a hair drier and a stiff brush....?

8 out of 10

2009-07-26T21:36:00.001+01:00

I have a visitor. He stays overnight; I give him fish fingers or a nibble on my chicken fillets, but then he buggers off after breakfast. I am a muppet, and shouldn't allow myself to be used in this cruel, thoughtless, heartless way. Sometimes I don't see him for days. I deserve better, but as soon as I've forgotten about him he turns up again, looking dishevelled, slightly the worse for wear, and in need of tender loving care. It will all end in tears...

The funny thing was that he turned up about a week after I had to have my sweet old cat put down. So how did this stray ginger tom know that there were cans of Whiskas going begging? Cats are smart aren't they?

Play Away

2009-07-23T11:19:00.000+01:00

I've been searching for the new UK Always ad. But I can't find it. Last year's ad featured bumper cars; this year's ad features pinball to demonstrate that whilst wearing an Always pad you can still play in your knickers. Sigh. I know the marketing bods at Always are just trying to be creative with a 'delicate' subject, but really... all a pad needs to do is pass the tight white Jeans test and prevent unsightly mishaps on cream upholstery. That's it. Now does the following ad capture this message?

No, it doesn't, it says: Wear an Always pad for the ride of your life....

Cornish Coastal

2009-07-19T09:30:00.000+01:00

It now all feels like a distant memory. Anyhow, I travelled down to Cornwall without making any unnecessary detours into Wales [though Wales is nice]. For a week I ate Fish 'n Chips, ice cream and Cornish pasties. But I got lots of exercise so this wasn't a problem... other than I got chip fat on my camera lens. I also got burnt. The weather can be unpredictably warm. I stayed in Carbis Bay/St Ives. I want to go back....

[And yes, I have been mugged by a flock of seagulls - one will knock the food out of your hands and before you know it you're re-enacting a scene from The Birds].

A Credit Crunching Tip...

2009-07-15T15:52:00.001+01:00

....SMILE....and give your tits a lift. Please note that this also works for droopy moobs and saggy jowls.
I am in the process of sifting through my holiday snaps/washing clothes/ironing/catching up with Corrie [Oh, poor Molly]/EastEnders [will Tanya never learn?]/ and I'm still finding myself unable to care about this year's Big Brother [I guess the money is on Charlie, he is the most boring] - Actually, I think I only watch bits of BB so that I can enjoy Charlie Brooker ripping it apart....otherwise I wouldn't get the joke, would I? Anyhow, I will have my holiday slide show prepared by the weekend... I think the seagull may feature again...
Meanwhile, here is a toe-tapping tune.

Postcard From The Edge

2009-07-11T21:13:00.001+01:00

Still searching for a decent stick of rock. Food is delish. I am burnt. Wish you were here etc, etc....

Lots of love Sxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Public Information Film About Buses

2009-07-02T19:25:00.000+01:00

Well, how times change... anyhow I'm off now. Catch you later.
Sx